When was the last time y'all said "no" to someone you knew? I bet you really have to think about that. I know I did. In the past calendar week, I've said "no" to exactly two people–that'south out of all the requests from my friends, family, business partner, amanuensis, editors, and clients. On the other hand, this calendar week I've said "aye" over 50 times to those aforementioned people. "Aye" to piece of work requests, "yeah" to social invites, "yes" to requests for assistance from family unit and friends.

I say "yep" to everything considering I don't want to come beyond as mean, lazy, irksome, or uncaring, only it's exhausting. It leaves me very little time to relax or achieve personal goals that are important to me.

My life would be so much easier if I could simply say "no" more frequently–then why can't I?

"Saying 'no' is non something that comes naturally to the bulk of people," says Susan Newman, PhD, social psychologist and author of The Book of NO—250 Ways to Say It—and Hateful It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. "For some, saying 'yes' is a addiction, ofttimes an automatic response; for others, maxim 'yes,' agreeing to have on whatever is asked, is an habit."

Newman says our lack of ability to say "no" isn't some kind of personal flaw we're born with–saying "no" is a learned behavior.

"As young children, the discussion 'no' is drummed out of usa," she says. "Almost children seek their parents' honey and attending and come to realize that refusing what a parent asks or wants isn't the fashion to become information technology. Toddlers, for example, who say 'no' oft are reprimanded or punished. In some families, non doing what a parent requests leads to privileges being taken away that continues into the teen years."

Just information technology doesn't stop there. Newman says as we continue to grow, we are rightfully encouraged to exist nurturing and caring, and that usually involves like-minded to help others–or, saying "yes." Combine this with the social connotation of it being impolite to say "no," and nosotros're primed throughout life to avoid the word.

Past the time we achieve adulthood, it's no wonder most of u.s. suffer feet at but the idea of saying "no" to someone. This feet, according to Newman, results from the perceived ramifications about what volition happen if we dare to say "no." Will our dominate give the all-time assignments to a coworker who says "yeah" to everything, limiting our career prospects? Volition our friends miscarry usa from the grouping if we don't accept every invite? Will we hurt a sibling's feelings if we don't have time to aid them? Will a partner or child remember we are self-centered or uncaring if we tell them "no"?

Ironically, the answer to all the above is almost certainly a "no."

"The fallout from a 'no' is rarely as bad equally yous call back it will exist," says Newman. The sky won't fall, your family won't stop loving you, and your dominate won't fire you–heck, everyone will probably respect you and your time more if y'all say "no" more often.

Withal audio difficult? Here'due south how to say no to the people you think you tin can't say no to:

Your dominate

Why you feel you lot can't say no. For many people, this is the scariest person to say "no" to. After all, your boss controls your workload, paycheck, and career. "Saying 'no' to a superior is tricky because you desire to keep in heed the goals you have set up for yourself and the direction you want to get," says Newman. "If you stretch yourself as well sparse, you run the take chances of doing a mediocre task and harming your overall performance and reputation. If you agree, yous also run the risk of having your boundaries trampled and feeling equally if y'all are being taken advantage of."

How to say no. "This varies with what the boss is request, merely y'all can say 'no' without actually using the discussion," says Newman. For example, if you're overloaded with piece of work already and your dominate asks you to have on another client or projection, say, "I am not sure I can practice that and be circumspect to my other clients. Tin you take me off chore A until this one is finished?"

"Whatever the dominate wants, ask questions nearly what's involved and when the assignment is due to testify you care and are trying to be helpful," says Newman. "Meet if there is a manner you tin do part or make other recommendations that might solve the dominate's needs."

Another style to say "no" to your boss without saying "no" is by reminding them of your current workload, proverb, "I am flattered that y'all asked me. Can nosotros discuss what assignments I have and due dates?"

"This will focus the dominate on what you exercise and possibly change priorities and so you can comfortably assume the new responsibility," says Newman. "Your trunk linguistic communication and tone of phonation will make your refusal more acceptable. If you say 'no' without being defensive, you are more likely to be heard without being penalized."

Photo: Flickr user Tom Hilton

Your coworkers

Why you lot feel you can't say no: These are the people you work with day in and day out, and it would exist nice to keep some friends at the part. "Most of u.s. want to be viewed every bit a team player, supportive of our colleagues and working together for the adept of the organisation," says Newman. "We don't want to be idea of as someone who is a loner or as someone who doesn't contribute or is not considered part of the group."

How to say no. Exist honest, advises Newman. Something equally unproblematic as, "I would like to help, merely I am on overload myself," or, "I want to assist you, but xx is waiting for me to complete another assignment" will oftentimes do the trick. Phrasing a "no" this fashion is straightforward without existence edgeless, and chances are your coworker will empathize with you. After all, who hasn't been overworked?

Merely brand sure you really are overloaded with work and not saying and so only as an excuse. If you aren't honest with your coworker and they observe out you really had the fourth dimension to help them, y'all'll have burned bridges with someone who could have helped you when you lot demand it in the future.

Your Clients, And Work In General

Why you feel y'all can't say no. As a freelancer, I'm more familiar with this than I'd like to be. I'thou always agape to reject writing jobs, because what if that editor I said "no" to gets annoyed and they don't inquire me to write for them in the hereafter?

"Nosotros fright losing a client if we don't bow to every wish or request, but taking on more than nosotros can comfortably do or exercise well can be counterproductive," says Newman.

How to say no: If you take on more piece of work when you tin can't complete it to your all-time abilities, at that place's more of a chance of your customer going elsewhere in the future for that reason than for the fact that you told them "no." Besides, five minutes after you've told the client "no," they've most likely forgotten most it.

"When nosotros say 'no,' the asker is on to the next person," says Newman. "He or she is not thinking most you as much equally you retrieve-–that is true for coworkers, friends, and family too. If yous are good at what you exercise or what they desire you to practice, they will probably ask again the side by side time the need arises."

The next time you lot need to say "no" to a customer, Newman suggests saying, "I am so disappointed that I can't accept on your project right now. I would be doing y'all a disservice if I did. I hope you will consider/inquire me again soon."

"By saying words to that consequence, you have demonstrated that you want to work for them, that you have their all-time interests at eye and are genuinely enthusiastic nigh helping," says Newman, who notes you could instead likewise ask if a later first or due date is possible to underscore your enthusiasm for working for this particular client.

Photograph: Flickr user smlp.co.great britain

Social Obligations

Why yous feel yous tin't say no. Whether it'due south your coworkers asking you to come out for drinks or non-work friends asking you to spend your much-needed day off helping them motility, saying "no" to people you genuinely like tin can make you feel like you're a bad person.

"Friends are supportive, shore us up when nosotros are down, help each other out when a need arises," says Newman. "These very roles, the very definition of friend, makes proverb no extremely difficult."

How to say no. The good news, says Newman, is that you should just say "no" and and so forget about it, because your friends will have as well. "In probably 99 out of 100 instances, your 'no' is tossed off because the asker almost immediately focuses on finding someone else. Only you conduct the weight and worry—topped with a couple scoops of guilt."

To move things along, Newman suggests avoiding lengthy explanations that give the asker room to come back to you lot or offering alternatives to the date, fourth dimension, or commitment. Exist brief, and make sure y'all convey with your refusal that it is not well-nigh them by proverb things like, "The timing is terrible, I'd like to hang out, simply it is not possible," or, "I don't feel skillful nearly lending people my truck. That's just my policy."

"Proverb no to even casual friends and acquaintances becomes simpler when you think about what'due south healthy and stop worrying about what someone else thinks," says Newman. "Nearly people have surprisingly curt memories."

Family Obligations

Why you feel y'all can't say no. They are your family. You grew up with these people, or married them, or raised them.

"Relatives are the people you honey near dearly, and conversely are the ones who infuriate you with their ceaseless requests," says Newman. "For complex reasons that have developed over the years, you don't desire to disappoint them or be faced with their disdain. To brand matters worse, you lot may have convinced yourself that you're supposed to be there for them, that it's your job to assistance solve all their bug and go on the peace."

What's even worse is that your family oftentimes knows your weaknesses and knows how to utilize them to wear you downwardly.

How to say no. This varies greatly by who in your family unit is requesting what, but the key is to exist business firm and honest. If someone wants your fourth dimension and you lot can't be there, tell them you tin't exist and explain why. Be straight and stand your ground if they protestation.

If someone wants your talent, but you just don't have the fourth dimension to help, a simple, "You can do that as well every bit I can," works wonders for both nicely failing their request and boosting their confidence. You could also add together, "I'll tell you how."

And if someone in your family is requesting a big favor of you, such as watching their kids, saying, "That's a responsibility that makes me nervous," will be enough to put them on rail to looking for someone else.

And if you withal have problems saying "no", realize that doing and then oft benefits your relationship with your loved ones in the long run.

"Parents, children and partners present the supreme claiming in the quest to mark your boundaries and be more of a 'no' person," says Newman. "You will begin to resent family members, no matter what their historic period or who they are, if you go along to bow to their every need and want."